Thirteen (Worst) Mother-of-the-Year Moments
In light of Toni’s post, I thought I’d highlight some of my shining moments which didn’t get me nominated for Mother of the Year.
1) My first shining moment ever was the time I sat 9-month-old Lindsey in a toddler chair to put her shoes on. As I turned and reached for the shoes, she leaned forward and bounced right out of the chair head first. She landed on the base of her walker and cut her bottom lip open. My mom and I rushed her to the emergency room where I had to hold her down while they gave her 3 stitches.
2) At a photography studio in the mall, I set Sarah’s infant carseat/carrier on a chair while I registered the girls for their sitting. Somehow it slid off and landed upside down on the floor with her in it. A trip to the emergency room confirmed that she had not hit the floor on impact and was not injured. Good thing she was buckled in!
3) I once put two-year-old Lindsey outside when I couldn’t get her to STOP! SCREAMING! The neighbors appreciated that, I’m sure. CPS never showed up.
4) The first time our pastor came to visit after we’d joined the church, I jokingly commented that we thought 4-yr-old Lindsey was possessed. He wasn’t amused.
5) I wasn’t diligent enough with the sunscreen on one all-day outing at the lake, and 3-yr-old Sarah’s shoulder BLISTERED badly.
6) I got home one afternoon to find 5-year-old Lindsey in the backyard with the dog because she was locked out of the house and didn’t have a key. I had lost track of time while shopping, and the bus beat me home. I was proud of her for thinking to hang out with the dog so he could keep her company. Smart kid.
7) I always took the girls Christmas shopping with me, and when they asked why I was putting the stuff they wanted from Santa in the buggy, I told them “I have to put it in lay-away so Santa can pick it up later.”
8) I botched the Santa vs. Jesus explanation, too. Afterwards, 7-yr-old Sarah said, “So you’re saying Santa Claus is dead?” (Way to go, Mom.)
9) They discovered that I had kept their baby teeth in a pouch in my jewelry box. I explained that the tooth fairy takes the tooth from under their pillow, leaves money, then puts the tooth under my pillow.
10) At the pool, in the deep end, where I was treading water, 9-yr-old Lindsey was perched on a floatie ring rippling the water with her fingertips. As soon as she said “Oh, this treading water… it’s so hard!” the ring suddenly flipped over. I nearly drowned from laughing so hard at the sight of her stuck upside down in the floatie. Yes, I did help her out, but I was still laughing. Hard.
11) Sarah used to whine and tattle on Lindsey for picking on her. I finally told her “Knock her out. Betcha she’ll leave you alone then.”
12) I can’t stand eyerolling. To express my disapproval of this infraction, I have said “You roll those eyes at me again, and you’ll be picking eyeballs up off the floor.” Yes, I am aware that they learned it from me.
13) On the way to school one day, Lindsey sassed me, and when I reached over to pop her in the mouth, I missed and bloodied her nose. (I really didn’t hit her that hard, honest. It was the angle at which I made contact. And I did apologize. Profusely.)
Hey, the good news is that I had to think long and hard to come up with 13, so maybe I’m getting the hang of this parenting thing after all. I should have it down pat by the time they’re grown and having kids of their own so I can tell ’em how to do it right!